In the digital age, the boundaries between intimacy and privacy as a couple have become more diffuse than ever. One of the most common questions that come up in couples therapy is: is it OK to look at my partner's mobile phone?

The answer is not as simple as “yes” or “no”. It depends on the context and, above all, on the intention. To approach it judiciously, it is essential to differentiate between two concepts that are often confused: privacy y privacy.

Privacy and intimacy: two sides of the same coin

The privacy is that shared emotional space in which people show themselves with authenticity, vulnerability and openness. In a healthy relationship, it involves trust, communication and the desire to know each other deeply.

On the other hand, the privacy is an individual space, the right of each person to keep a part of his or her life unshared, even within a couple. It includes thoughts, memories, conversations and, of course, the use of mobile phones or social media.

There is no “ideal amount” of transparency. What is important is that the decision to share information be volunteer, not demanded or used as proof of love. In the healthiest relationships, the choice of what to share is based on the autonomy and mutual respect, not in control.

💔 Violating privacy for love?

Looking at one's partner's mobile phone “out of love” or “to confirm trust” is a practice that is often concealed insecurity or mistrust.

A study published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking (Muise et al., 2009) found that a partner's checking of messages or social networks is associated with more jealousy, conflict and lower relational satisfaction.

From psychology, we understand that when someone feels the need to check what the other is doing on the sly, they are violating the implicit contract of trust. It is not only what is discovered that is harmful, but the way in which it has been done.

How to talk about boundaries and social networks as a couple

The key is speak openly on these issues. Each couple can make their own arrangements, provided that they are consensual and revisable.

A study by Hall and Baym (2012) showed that couples who set clear rules about the use of technology experienced greater satisfaction and less conflict due to jealousy or invasion of privacy.

Some questions that can help start the conversation:

• What do we each consider private?

• Why do we want access to each other's mobile phones?

• What would make us feel that a boundary has been broken?

• Do we feel comfortable sharing our passwords?

Respect as a basis for trust

Looking at your partner's mobile phone without their consent is not a proof of love, but a lack of respect.
Respecting each other's privacy means acknowledging that even within the couple there are personal spaces to be cared for.

Fostering a relationship based on trust, honest communication and mutual respect strengthens the bond without the need to control the other.

The privacy is not distance, is a sign of emotional health and maturity within the relationship. The Intimacy is built by sharing, not by invading..

References

• Hall, J. A., & Baym, N. K. (2012). Calling and texting (too much): Mobile maintenance expectations, (over)dependence, entrapment, and friendship satisfaction. New Media & Society, 14(2), 316-331. https://doi.org/10.1177/1461444811415047

• Muise, A., Christofides, E., & Desmarais, S. (2009). More information than you ever wanted: Does Facebook bring out the green-eyed monster of jealousy? CyberPsychology & Behaviour, 12(4), 441-444. https://doi.org/10.1089/cpb.2008.0263

Post written by Samara Valenzuela psychologist at CALMA Psicógolos Fuengirola