Can having children break up a couple? A psychological analysis.
How motherhood affects a couple's relationship. It's complex, can it break it? The reality is that it can.
It can break your relationship no matter how good it has always been, because having children is a challenge on many levels.
But from psychology there are tools to face it, to win battles and to strengthen the bond.
The arrival of a child transforms the relationship.
Having a child does not in itself break up a couple, but it does: puts it to the test. The arrival of a baby requires an emotional, vital and practical reorganisation that can be stressful.
Shared time, rest, desire, communication and expectations change. If there is no space to nurture the bond, it is easy for the relationship to suffer.
Main reasons why a couple may go into crisis after becoming parents.
1. Shifts in priorities and division of labour
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One of the two can take on more of the burden than the other.
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A sense of injustice, exhaustion or lack of recognition appears.
2. Lack of quality time as a couple
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No time even for sex
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The couple no longer has time alone together.
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Everything revolves around the baby, and emotional and physical intimacy is lost.
3. Differences in the way of rearing
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Conflicts arise over how to educate, feed, sleep or care for the child.
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These differences lead to arguments or alienation.
Each person has a criterion, an implicit learning that comes from their home, from their own family, from their childhood.
Not having invested time in establishing common criteria makes it more difficult. But it is never too late to start putting the issue on the table and creating new common criteria.
4. Emotional and physical fatigue
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Extreme fatigue affects patience, humour and empathy.
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Every little friction is magnified.
5. Changes in sexual and affective desire
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The body changes, desire changes.
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Failure to talk can lead to misunderstandings, rejection or frustration.
Can parenthood be prevented from damaging the couple?
It should be possible.
But this is not always achieved.
It is not about everything always flowing, but about having tools to navigate the changes.
Some key recommendations:
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Speak up, even if you are tired.
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Don't stop taking care of each other as a couple (even if it's only for 10 minutes a day).
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Share out tasks on the basis of agreement, not sacrifice.
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Ask for help when you need it (family, professionals...).
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Take care also of your individual life: being parents does not cancel out being a person.
When to ask for psychological help as a couple?
When you feel that the discomfort is chronic, that you are constantly arguing, that there is emotional distance or that you don't know how to reconnect... Couples therapy can be a valuable tool to recover the bond and learn to go through this stage with more understanding and less guilt.
If you are going through this, you are not alone.
It is much more common than is often said. In consultation, many couples tell us that they feel they are losing each other as a couple since becoming parents.
Psychological support can help you not to be alone in your discomfort.
📍 Therapy in Fuengirola - Mijas and online.
Post written by Samara Valenzuela
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Very interesting !
Knowing the facts and knowing that this is common when a baby is born, as well as the recommended guidelines, can help you to cope with the situation a little more calmly.
Information really is a good way to deal with a problem! Thanks for commenting Itziar.